Define Marriage

Two days before her wedding Kerry Robertson got a knock at her door. It was social services, informing her that she could not get married, as she “did not understand the implications.” According to the Daily Mail, she has “mild learning difficulties.”

The 17 year old and her fiance, 25-year-old Mark McDougall, had already reserved the church and organized the reception for their guests. They are expecting their first child in about four months.

Their argument is that she doesn’t understand what it means to be married. If that was a qualification to bar people from a wedding, then the institution would fade into nothingness. Will marriage registrars have to search our souls before recording our unions?

If that is the case, then we can wave goodbye to the whole industry. Our summers would have to do without lavish affairs, brought to you by Trump Industries. Jessica Simpson and Britney Spears would have to find other ways to stay in the public eye. Politicians would never even attempt it, worried that these soul-searchers could see their future South American girlfriends or publicly-funded escorts.

How would marriage be defined? Happily married people come to all kinds of crazy arrangements. Some have open relationships. Some remain faithful but live in different cities. Some see it as a business partnership and others as a calling from God. I’m pretty sure my marriage contract will include a clause about dishwashing.

Because my parents were not declared unfit when I was a baby (as Kerry’s were) I can include all kinds of crazy nonsense in my definition of the institution without having to get it okayed by the government first.

And her definition? “I know what marriage is. It is when two folks want to spend the rest of their lives together. I love Mark and I want to get married to him.”