Premature Ejaculation

Essentially, it’s all about having fun while staying safe.

So to start off this column I am going to write about probably one of the most common complaints from men and women alike; premature ejaculation.

Dear Madame X,

I have a seriously embarrassing problem and I’m not sure who to talk to, and I definitely can’t talk to my girlfriend about it. But every time we have sex I think I cum too fast and I feel totally disappointed! I want to make my girlfriend happy and I want to have sex for a longer time. I love quickies but not every time! Can you help me with this?

Embarrassed Ejaculator

Readers, pay close attention; men are NOT designed to have sex for extended periods of time!  We have evolved from monkeys who come in about 10 seconds! So men, keeping it going for 1 to 3 minutes, the average for those under about 30, is brilliant! Ejaculation is a reflex, just like when you hit your knee and your leg kicks out. There is really very little you can do to control it.

However, if you think you are coming too early there are a few things you could try. First of all, if you have a partner you are comfortable talking with about it, find out what they think. It may be that you think you are coming too early but your partner is perfectly happy. If this is true then just talking about it may help to ease your burden.

For those of you in monogamous relationships who have been tested for STIs and are not using condoms (yes, that was my plug for safe sex!), sometimes the addition of a condom can reduce the sensations a bit and lead to the man lasting longer.

A second thing to do is to focus less on your penis and more on other aspects of sex. More massage, more kissing, more focus on the other parts of the body that give you pleasure (necks? ears? bottom?). And you can integrate this with sex by moving away from the penis, then back to it, then away again as it suits you. Taking the focus away from your penis will allow you to enjoy sex and be turned on, but without the fear of coming  too early.

As well, just because you have come and lost the erection does not mean that the session is over. You can still give and receive pleasure in all kinds of fun and exciting ways! Think of kissing, blow jobs, anal sex, fingering, massage, the list goes on…

Third, there is an exercise that can help men learn to control the time it takes to come. Similar to what I said above, the Stop-Start Technique works by making the man more aware of his penis and more able to notice the point of no return when ejaculation is inevitable. What you can do, either on your own or with a partner, is masturbate until you notice that you are close to the point of no return, then stop. Let the arousal go down a bit, then masturbate again. Then stop again. Then start again. Until you want to come, then go for it. If you do this you will become more aware of when you are close to coming and you can change what you are doing for a while which will make you last longer and give you more control. But this is a process and you won’t learn it over night; take at least a few weeks of regular practice to see a change.

Finally, DO NOT GIVE MONEY TO SCAMMERS!!! THEY DO NOT WORK!!! There are organisations out there, with advertising on billboards, on radio, in newspapers, which claim to be able to help you last longer during sex and please your partner more. Please do not go to these people.  They do not have proper sex therapists or counselling sessions, they treat it like a business and give the same thing to anyone who wants it so long as they are willing to pay. Many of my colleagues who work in sex therapy have had to help people after they have gone to these places and in addition to being a lot poorer, their problem usually has become worse than before they went there!

Please, if my above advice does not help you, see a professionally trained sex therapist for help. These people have spent years training on how to counsel and specifically around sex issues. They can offer help via individual or couples therapy or prescribing drugs if necessary (antidepressants are sometimes used, but you need a prescription from a doctor). If you want help finding a counselor please email me and I can try to get you in touch with someone in your area.

As a final note, I think I need to say that a lot of what people think is premature ejaculation really is just in their head. Of course there are people with problems, but media and advertising need to stop telling men they need to be studs and have sex for at least 20 minutes! Remember we have evolved from the monkeys who come in about 10 seconds flat! If people would change their expectations and focus on the variety of sexy experiences, rather than simply the time to come, people would be less disappointed, more able to enjoy sex, and have more fun!

This article will normally appear on Hump Day, Wednesday, to spice up your week.

Please email me with any and all questions about sex and relationships and I will attempt to answer them in this column.