American Football Adds Breasts But Loses Uniforms

Are you ready for some football? Then this probably isn’t for you.

The new Lingerie Football League (LFL) is off and running, taking bras and talent with it.

There are ten teams who compete to go on to play in the Lingerie Bowl VII on February. Who will take it? Will it be Dallas Desire? San Diego Seduction? Miami Caliente?

The idea came from Lingerie Bowl, a Superbowl Half Time Show that has graced pay-for-view TVs for years.

The women are all either athletes, or athletic, and are chosen using a strict criteria:

“You have to be beautiful. We make no bones about it,” said Mitchell Martoza, the league’s founder. The women on the teams are mostly under 25 and under 150 pounds. If the pictures are accurate, a majority are also blonde.

Looks aren’t the only criteria. These women also know how to throw around a pig-skin. “Many of the players have experience in other sports at the college level, such as track and field, volleyball, softball, soccer, basketball, and/or the military,” according to Wikipedia.

Female professional football players, however, need not apply. Responding to a reporter’s question about recruiting from the Independent Women’s Football League, he responded:

“No offense to them, but they couldn’t be further from what we’re doing here. Women’s athletics haven’t been that popular primarily because they’re not the most attractive people in the world, usually, and in this day and age your brand has to be marketable.”

Wimbledon knows this. They came under fire earlier this year for putting the most beautiful women in the best venues, leaving better players to grunt in the shadows.

But LFL is not about sport for sport’s sake, it is about money. It has all the constituent elements to appeal to a certain demographic, but will this gimmick be able to sustain a 40 game season?

The players are certainly doing their part. “Our QB, Anonka Dixon, had her bra top ripped off,” Michelle Stevens, the Caliente running back, said in a postgame interview.

“Three girls from Chicago jumped on her after the play was already over and shredded her top to pieces. There she sat, topless on the field, and for no other reason than she is an unbelievable player and a huge threat to Chicago’s defense.”

Pundits have been calling the league demeaning to women, but this is nothing new for a culture that values breasts over brains. The people who should be really pissed off are the athletes.