Stale Sex, Cheating, And When To Move On

Dear Madame X,

After three years my relationship with my boyfriend has gotten stale. The sex is hardly there and frankly terrible. We want to be together and have tried to spice it up. It usually works for a couple of weeks and then we hit our rut again. He has said that he wants an open relationship because we are too young to settle down but the idea was creepy. The problem is that I went to visit a friend of mine at college for the weekend and we ended up making out. We did everything but fuck. Now I can’t look my BF in the eyes. What should I do? I can’t imagine life without him.

Weekend Dalliance

Dear Weekend Dalliance,

After three years it is quite normal for couples to have a stale sex life. The original fireworks are often gone as the couple settles into a more intimate and routine pattern together. So in that regard you are perfectly normal and there are some things you can do to spice it up if you are both willing to try (I will address this later).

I don’t want to sound harsh here, but from what you describe to me it looks like the two of you might be at the end of the line. If he is asking you for an open relationship (which you don’t want) and you end up cheating on him (which you feel guilty about), I have to ask: what is the point?

Of course it is hard to imagine life without him, you say you are young and maybe he is your first serious relationship, but you have to ask yourself if you can imagine life with him. What are the positive aspects of this relationship? Why do  you choose to stay? It is important that you actively choose and want to be with him.

If you decide you want to work it out you will have to determine whether telling him you fooled around behind his back is worthwhile. I am an advocate of honesty, but you must realise that if he is already asking to have an open relationship he might view this as your way of saying yes to that. It might be best to establish what you want from this relationship in the long-term before you tell him.

If you decide to stay with him and work on this then there are some things you can do to spice up your sex life. Try toys and games, new locations (hotel? weekend away?), read some sex books together (either manuals for tips or erotica to turn you on), and talk to each other to find out what it is you each want and need to feel excited. However, when it comes down to it you need a good emotional connection to support a good sex life and it seems like this might be the real problem.

You need to listen to your heart. It may be difficult, but it looks to me like you two are just too scared to admit the truth; that breaking up might be the best choice. Maybe you do want to work it out with him and I hope whatever choice you make leads to your happiness.

This article will appear every Wednesday to spice up your week.

Please email me with any and all questions about sex and relationships and I will answer them in this column.