How To Be A Good Lover (Til Death Do You Part)

Dear Madame X,

My fiancée and I were both virgins when we met. She was because of religious reasons but I had just never had the opportunity. We’ve had sex quite a bit since we got engaged and it is very nice. I had gotten some advice from friends though, and it seems like we aren’t very good at it. They are much more experienced and now I am worried that I will be letting her down if I marry her. How can I improve without sleeping with other people?

Lamb in the Bedroom

Dear Lamb in the Bedroom,

You say that you have been talking with friends about your sex life and “it seems like we aren’t very good at it”. Can you please explain how your friends would know how good you are? Are they having sex with you?!

My point is that nobody can tell you how good you and your fiancée are at having sex other than you and your fiancée.

You obviously need to talk to her and open up the communication about sex. Find out if she is happy with your sex life. Find out if she wants to experiment or try different things to improve it or add some variety.

I know in this day and age people are always talking about casual flings and one night stands, and it makes sense that you might think your “more experienced” friends would “do sex” better.

But I have always believed that it is the emotional connection between the two people that makes the biggest difference. If you two are happy together, comfortable with your bodies, comfortable talking about sex and experimenting together, then you can have a wonderful fulfilling sex life even if it is only with that one person.

If you want to try different things to “improve” there are lots of book, toys, games, situations that can be recommended. Try looking at your local sex shop (or online if you are too shy) for some toys. Talking to the sales people can give you some good ideas. Basically, I would be happy to recommend something for you but there are so many topics it’s hard to know where to start! There are books on how to have better orgasms (or multiple), how to give good oral sex, anal sex, kissing techniques, tantra, erotic massage, sex positions, role play, bondage or sadomasochism. Also toys for clitoral massage, G-spot massage, anal massage. The list goes on…

Talk to your fiancée, figure out what she and you want to explore, then have a look at the book shop or sex shop to see what’s available. If you have any specific questions please write again and I’d be happy to help out. Also check the archives of Madame X for some other sex tips.

But most importantly, don’t put any pressure on yourself to perform in any specific way. Just enjoy each others’ bodies and have fun experimenting.

This article will appear every Wednesday to spice up your week.

Please email me with any and all questions about sex and relationships and I will answer them in this column.