The Weekly Whims Of HatManJim: HatManJim Nativity Play

A weather-beaten eye cast over the media: HatManJim looks at a story in the headlines and as a feminist with a penis (Menimist? Femi-meni-mist? I just believe i n women’s rights, I’m not having gender-reassignment. OK?), attempts to map the sexism inherent in the press, without inadvertently saying anything lecherous about breasts.

SCENE 1. BETHLEHEM STREET. NIGHT. ENTER STAGE LEFT MARY (ON DONKEY) AND JOSEPH

MARY: Another inn? Can’t we just try the Bethlehem Hilton?

JOSEPH: On a carpenter’s salary? It was hard enough arranging paternity leave. Besides, I like inns.

MARY: Joe, we need to talk. It’s about the inns. I’m starting to worry about your drinking.

JOSEPH: C’mon Mary. Look, I was fine with the whole no sex, “silver ring” thing… I could just about cope with that. Not ideal but hey… Then you got pregnant.

MARY: I told you. It was God.

JOSEPH: Yeah. Asahel at the woodworking centre laughed when I told him that.

MARY: You know I don’t like your friend, Asahel.

JOSEPH: Anyway. So I’ve bought the whole “it was God thing”. That’s fine. Let’s just assume that is true. I’m imagining God was pretty, y’know, good. He is God after all. I’m feeling a little bit inadequate.

MARY: It wasn’t like that.

JOSEPH: All I’m saying is if you were me you would drink….

JOSEPH KNOCKS ON DOOR. INNKEEPER OPENS DOOR.

INNKEEPER: Hello?

JOSEPH: Hi. You got a room? My wife is with child.

INNKEEPER LOOKS MARY UP AND DOWN.

INNKEEPER: Congratulations.

JOSEPH: Not me. God.

INNKEEPER RAISES EYEBROW.

JOSEPH: Don’t give me that look. That’s what she says.

INNKEEPER: You fell for that one?

MARY: Joe! Don’t let him…

INNKEEPER: Sorry. No room here. Got a stable round back though. Hey, stay there free. (UNDER HIS BREATH) “It was God” – that is priceless.

MARY: Joe. I didn’t like him.

SCENE 2. STABLE. NIGHT. MARY IS HOLDING BABY. JOSEPH LOOKS ON PROUDLY.

JOSEPH: He’s beautiful. Let’s call him Jesus, King of the Jews.

MARY: Don’t you think the actual King of the Jews, Herod, might get pissed off at that? Anyway I kind of like “Jesus of Nazareth”. Are you doing something with your phone?

JOSEPH: I… uh… I already posted “Jesus, King of the Jews was just born to Mary and Joseph and God” as a Facebook update. Sorry. Besides, we don’t even live in Nazareth.

ENTER WISEMANJIM STAGE LEFT. HE WEARS A CHARMING HAT.

WISEMANJIM: Is this the Jesus, kid?

MARY: This is Jesus, Son of God.

WISEMANJIM: Seriously? He fell for that “it was God” line? Priceless.

MARY: Joe – I don’t like this wise guy. Nice hat though.

WISEMANJIM: Thanks. Anyway, I bring dire news. Herod, King of the Jews is coming to kill your infant son.

MARY: Why?

WISEMANJIM: He looked at your genius husband’s Facebook status. He’s not happy.

MARY: You friended the King?

JOSEPH: I don’t want to be a carpenter all my life. It’s not what you know that gets you ahead in this life, it’s who you know.

WISEMANJIM: Yeah. Well… He’s pretty pissed now. I’d get out of here.

MARY: But where can we go?

WISEMANJIM: Well, I got a friend with a spare room going cheap in Nazareth. Here’s his address. Oh, and I got this for you. (TOSSES PACKAGE TO JOSEPH) It’s a babygro.

JOSEPH: Thank you WiseManJim… How can we ever repay you.

WISEMANJIM: I need no thanks. My work here is done. I’m hitting the inn.

EXITS STAGE RIGHT

JOSEPH: I’ll join you.

MARY: Joe!

JOSEPH: Sorry. Yeah, Nazareth.

PICKS UP BABY

JOSEPH: I knew you were going to be trouble.

FIN.

*Please note, this is supposed to be a lighthearted entertainment and is not intended to cause offence to any holders of the Christian faith. I would also like to take the opportunity to wish all Christians, Jews, Muslims and people of every and no faith a Merry Christmas and happy New Year and an abundance of peace love and understanding.

For an equally blasphemtastic soundtrack for this skit please check out the music video for “Oh Joseph” by the Leeds-based band Burning Hank.

HatManJim’s column will appear every Saturday.