Making Out Under The Mistletoe – Cheating?
December 23, 2009 3 Comments
Dear Madame X,
At the office Christmas party my friend always ends up making out with one of the other staff members. They invariably go off into the photo copy room together and she comes out with a smile on her face. I made a comment to her last week. That it’s too bad she can’t do it this year, because she got married last summer. She responded that it’s not cheating if you don’t have sex. While she may not technically have sex, it’s not exactly just kissing either. This puts me in a difficult position because over the last year I have socialized a lot with her husband and have come to view him as a friend. I don’t know how I’m going to be able to look him in the eye after this. Should I tell her it makes me uncomfortable? Should I threaten to tell him? I know I’m not the only person in the office with these concerns.
Nosy Noel
Dear Nosy Noel,
This is definitely a tricky situation and it sucks that you are stuck between lying, losing a friend, respecting their decisions, and living up to your own moral code.
What it really comes down to is do you think it’s worth losing your friendship over this or not? Not that that will happen of course, but it would be a distinct possibility if you do decide to tell the husband.
What I would recommend is first talking with your friend about this. Maybe ask her about it and see what she thinks. Voice your concerns in a respectful way and see how she reacts. Point out how it might affect her husband, or ask what she would think if her husband was doing the same thing to her.
You might encourage her to tell her husband, or to stop this behaviour. The risk here is that she will stop telling you things about her personal life and may distance herself from you.
If you really feel strongly about it, you might tell her that either she tell her husband or you will, and then follow through. This would be the most extreme and you should only do if you feel it is worth sacrificing your friendship.
The other option of course, is to voice your disapproval, but then leave it at that (perhaps secretly hoping it will come back and bite her in the butt one day – with this kind of attitude her husband is sure to find out about it sooner or later).
She’s the one who determines how she behaves and no matter what you say she is not likely to change. Perhaps you will decide you need to distance yourself from her if you are uncomfortable being around her. Or find an activity you enjoy together and she can be your Scrabble buddy or cycling friend and you can focus on that but leave out any discussion of her love life.
These are the options for you as I see them, how you choose to deal with it is up to you. Good luck.
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