The Weekly Whims Of HatManJim: Stroking My Crystal Ball

A weather-beaten eye cast over the media: HatManJim looks at a story in the headlines and as a feminist with a penis (Menimist? Femi-meni-mist? I just believe i n women’s rights, I’m not having gender-reassignment. OK?), attempts to map the sexism inherent in the press, without inadvertently saying anything lecherous about breasts.

2010 is upon us and here are my predictions for this year…

Cultural pundits will annoy everyone by constantly trying to come up with a catchy sounding nickname for the decade.

He (allegedly) sleeps with hookers, owns most of his country’s media (which is convenient if you’re a politician), regularly patronises female political opponents and makes jokes about Barack Obama’s “sun-tan”. Now that the floodgates are open, hopefully more people will be lining up to assault Silvio Berlusconi.

Former Republican Vice-Presidential candidate and HMJ favourite Sarah Palin will mount an armed uprising against the Obama administration from a hidden base in Alaska. The campaign, backed by a fifth column of God-fearing red necks from the Deep South, brings America to the brink of becoming a right-wing military junta. It is only foiled due to an elaborate counter-plan, engineered by liberal members of the entertainment industry, including Susan Sarandon, George Clooney, Matt Damon and, crucially, Tina Fey, who is able to infiltrate the enemy camp by successfully imitating Palin.

All member states of the UN will agree to sign the declaration decriminalising homosexuality. Except Iran. And Saudi Arabia. And probably Yemen. I doubt that the United Arab Emirates will, actually. Then there’s Sudan, Nigeria, Mauritania; they probably wont either.

Scientists who worked on the flimsy sounding research upon which this article is based are hired by the world’s media to explain the secret of Tiger Wood’s success with women and, crucially, keep this narcolepticly boring story in the headlines for the rest of the year.

HatManJim’s column will appear every Saturday.