Sleeping With The Stars

Do the stars dictate our fate?

Some go further and believe they dictate our sexual proclivities. Judith Bennett’s classic book Sex Signs makes the argument that our night time activities are dictated by the stars above.

Read the conversation below between a Pisces and Taurus to see if it makes a good case.

Taurus: I love printing out to the printer next to P’s desk.

Taurus: Lalalalalala, oop, the printer is beeping at me! Pout!

Pisces:

Taurus: Hey, if he wasn’t looking…

Pisces: I’ve no issue with it. Go forth and <ahem>… anyway. Good luck.

Taurus: So, so much fun.

I kinda feel like my cat stretching sluttily on the carpet.

God I’m such a Taurus.

Taurus: Sluts of the zodiac.

People think it’s all about the scorpios.

Scorpios have nothing on us.

Taurus: Unapologetic, wanton sluts.

Pisces: Hey, I’m Pisces.

If you can’t explain the homoerotic context of A Midsummer Night’s Dream and then tend to all my emotional insecurities I am a locked box.

Taurus: That’s picky.

Pisces: What can I say?

Taurus: I just need them to walk cocky and use good grammar.

Pisces: Is it too much to ask them to bring me a black rose, and then explain the historical meaning of it?

Taurus: In short, yes.

Besides, boys don’t usually get to the point where they bring back flowers for me.

I usually have them in bed by then.

Sadly, it’s true.

Pisces: The only times I’ve gotten flowers I’ve been annoyed.

Taurus: And by then I want more practical gifts.

Like rope.

Nice rope.

Don’t get me wrong.

Pisces: Soft, velvet rope?

Or nice as in hemp?

Taurus: Well, you want a little edge to it.

Pisces: You might like being in a relationship, but I think the world wants you to be single.

Taurus: Maybe.

Pisces: Spreading the joy.

Taurus: Maybe this is my last hurrah before finding the kind of man who would be happy to spend the rest of his life learning how to use the rope.

Pisces: I’m not worried about a man learning how to use the rope, I’m worried about his ability to recover from the rope burns.

You should marry a doctor.

Taurus: Doctor.

Pisces: Paramedic?

Taurus: That’s what we have ambulances for.

Pisces: I got it!

CIA interrogator

Taurus: That’s good.

Pisces: He’ll know just how far to push it before causing serious damage.

Taurus: Someone with a psych degree, practical or academic.

Pisces: Yes

Taurus: Dr Wolfgang said I needed to start dating more boring men.

That’s why I stopped seeing him.

He bored me.

Pisces: Did he use the word boring?

Never date boring men!

Taurus: He said I might find someone who was boring.

Or would initially consider boring.

I said I thought Kevin [abusive ex] was boring.

I think he gave up on me at that point.

Pisces: Kevin was boring on paper.

Taurus: And in person.

Pisces: You’ll find a perfectly compatible crazy man.

Taurus: I know.

When I do, it will scare the shit out of me.

Pisces: Nope. It’ll feel like coming home.

Taurus: A really kinky home.

Pisces: It’ll be like coming back to your dominatrix den after being on a sex holiday.

All the whips will be in exactly the right spot, and the rubbing alcohol is within reach.

Just the way you like it.