Masturbating While Sleeping Or Sexsomnia

Dear Madame X,

I have just started dating a guy that I really like but he has a weird habit that I can’t tell if I should be offended or worried by. He masturbates while he sleeps! When it first happened I was really offended that he was doing it while ignoring me, but then I realised he was actually asleep. I had no idea what to say and hoped it wouldn’t happen again, but it seems to be at least once a week that I notice it. What do I do? Help me.

Tired of Masturbation

Dear Tired of Masturbation,

It looks like your boyfriend might be suffering from what’s called sleep sex or sexsomnia. There is a great article explaining it with some case studies here.

This isn’t necessarily a problem; after all, who doesn’t have erotic dreams now and then and a little masturbation is good for us.

However, this is often a chronic problem and if he is disturbing your sleeping or he is harassing you in some way (some people become a lot more aggressive during bouts of sleep sex than during wakeful sex and it can be a big problem) then you should definitely point it out to him.

It is viewed as a variant of sleepwalking and is more common in men than women.

You say you have just started dating this guy so I see how you could feel awkward. If you think that this could progress into a long-term relationship then it’s probably better to help him with this problem. If not, maybe it’s not worth the trouble. That’s up to you to decide.

If you do decide to speak to him, perhaps you could direct him to this website or this one and ask what he thinks about it. You could then mention that he has woken you up a few times because of his masturbating.

If he isn’t aware of it, which is most likely, he may be quite embarrassed by this revelation. It’s quite common for people with this problem to have other underlying problems so it’s probably a good idea for him to speak to his doctor about it and maybe get some kind of medical or psychological treatment. There are some people who specialise in sleep disorders and they could help him if his doctor does a referral for him.

Good night and good luck.

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