Natural Breasts Are Back, But Only If You Are Christina Hendricks

Okay ladies, are you prepared for the latest?

Apparently fake breasts are out and real breasts are back in. So cancel those appointments and… um… pray for an overnight miracle.

Because big, voluptuous breasts are in. And if you don’t have them, I guess that means you’re out.

The Times has decreed that implants are out, based on Victoria Beckham having hers removed and Disney banning the silicon bags during auditions. They cite market research done by Mintel which says that breast augmentation surgeries will face a slow decline in 2010.

(A horror for a business whose stock and trade is a permanent uplift).

“And every avid fan of Mad Men wants her own pair of Christina Hendricks bosoms. Her soft, pillowy cleavage is womanly, inviting and, most importantly, it moves when she does.”

Of course, short of turning back time and making your parents hers, this is impossible. The thing about big tits is either you got ‘em, or you don’t.

Breast implants were never intended to look unnatural. They were invented to mimic natural breasts, and their gravity defying properties were merely a perk.

With film and porn producers insisting on 100 lb women with breasts, aspiring starlets had little choice but to pop in the wondrous bags. Soon men, whose spank banks were filled with more fake breasts than not, began to prefer the enhanced cleavage (which lead to widespread panic about the decline in civilization).

So now we are expected to do a dance of joy when the fashion gods on high say that natural breasts are back in.

It is good news that the ideal breasts no longer involve a doctor cutting into your chest with a scalpel to insert a lump of material better suited to a computer. But where does that leave the itty bitty titty committee?

Trailblazers like Keira Knightley are more than happy to flaunt the fact that they are flat as a board. Her talk show routine for years was explaining how during Pirates the make-up crew had to spend 45 minutes painting on her breasts. But many girls still look down and only see what isn’t there.

What would it be like if real natural breasts were in vogue? Now that is a trend piece I’d like to read.

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