Painful Sex

Dear Madame X,

My girlfriend has a very narrow vagina and I often hurt her during sex. For some reason she will not tell me when she is hurting and silently endures it. I am very unhappy with this, but do not know what to do either about her silence or about hurting her in the first place.

Grinning and Bearing It

Dear Grinning and Bearing It,

I guess my first question to you would be how do you know she is in pain if she doesn’t tell you this?

Did she tell you once and now you assume it’s always the same? Does she make a noise or face like she is in pain? God forbid she is bleeding after sex or walking around hurting all the time.

My first point is that you and she really need to sit down and have a conversation about this. Sex is supposed to be fun and intimate and it sounds like you are not enjoying yourself and are worried about injuring your girlfriend. The two of you need to communicate about this because if you can’t it will ruin your sex life and ultimately your relationship.

If she is in pain (and this is a big ‘if’, from my point of view, as you haven’t at all said how you could know this) there are a few things you can do. Make sure to use lots of lubricant. Make sure to enter her slowly and at her pace, not yours. There are some sex positions that will be more or less comfortable for her. And there are dilators she can buy to practice with from a sex therapist. These would be different sizes and she can practice stretching the vagina beginning with the small ones and working up to the bigger sizes.

As well, if she is anxious about sex or nervous (which is quite likely if she is in pain – a very negative feedback loop to get into) this would make it more difficult because the muscles would be tense and that would increase the problem.

If you and she communicate well, take it slow and go at her pace, and have lots of foreplay it will hopefully make matters easier.

But ultimately I would say she should see her GP or a sex therapist to talk about the problem. And take you along if that is helpful for you as a couple. Let me know if you need help finding a therapist and I will do my best.

p.s. Thank goodness you’re not the egotistical kind of guy who says I have a huge dick and it won’t fit inside her. On the other hand this kind of says that something is wrong with her, which is not true. Sex takes two and together the two of you can find a solution. But she has to talk to you about it otherwise nothing will ever change. You might want to examine why you think she is in pain and why she refuses to talk about it, with a therapist.

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