Is My Husband Gay If He Only Wants Anal Sex?

Dear Madame X,

I have recently married a lovely man. He is a very kind and caring man from a religious family, but not at all religious himself. However, he often insists on having anal sex and does not seem comfortable with vaginal sex or with me facing him during sex. I think he may be gay. How do I begin to address this?

Can’t Face It

Dear Can’t Face It,

There are lots of reasons that a man might not be comfortable with vaginal sex.

If he is from a religious family or culture like you say, sex outside of marriage is often viewed in a very negative light; forbidden and a sin. It might be difficult for your husband to overcome these feelings that he has grown up with.

You could start by talking to him about how he was raised and what messages he got from his family and his culture.

It is these messages that people learn when they are young that often form life-long attitudes towards sex. If having a  good sex life with his wife is important to him, then, although it might be difficult for him to talk about sex, he will  hopefully open up to you (although it may take some time).

It is a possibility that he is very attracted to women and heterosexual, but because sex outside of marriage was seen as taboo, instead of having vaginal sex with women as a young man he had anal sex. Many people do not consider anal sex real sex and if preserving a woman’s virginity is important, as is a possibility if his family is religious, anal sex is seen as a viable alternative (even though, if you ask me, she would not be a virgin if she has anal sex!).

If this is the case, it is quite likely that he enjoys anal sex with you because this is what he is used to and this is what he is most comfortable with. If he never learned to enjoy vaginal sex and was brought up thinking of it as wrong, then no matter how much he loves you it will be difficult to switch off these negative feelings.

In regards to your question about if your husband might be gay, sexuality is not about the kind of sex you have, it is about the people you are attracted to and the fantasies you have. If your husband loves you and is attracted to you then that is most important. It may take some time, but with some practice and learning he can become comfortable with having vaginal sex with you.

If, however, he is not attracted to you and prefers to be with men, that is a different issue. But hopefully through the process of talking with him and working out these sexual difficulties you will see that he is committed to you and your marriage.

As always, my advice is that the only way to know for sure why he behaves this way is to talk with him. Let him know how you feel about it and what you would like to do with him sexually. I also think that counselling might be useful for you. It might be difficult for him to talk about sex, but if you stress to him how important it is for you to have a good sex life within your marriage he will come around with time.

Best of luck and have fun exploring each other’s bodies and learning together.

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