Fortune Cat: Your Life This Week

I know your future, at least as far as next week. Ok, so I may not have any training but I am a cat and everyone knows we can see things that others can’t (and chase things that are not there). Take a deep breath and be prepared to meet your fate. It may be scary, it might be terrifying, but at least you’ll know what’s coming.

Taurus

April 19 – May 19

In two weeks, Good Fortune will come knocking on your door. Until then you’ll just have to deal.

Gemini

May 20- June 19

With no one in your house having absolute power, chaos will rule.

Cancer

June 20 – July 21

You can’t believe you’ve had a cold for two years. The problem is, neither can the doctors.

Leo

July 22 – August 21

One night this week a spider will walk across your face as you sleep.

Virgo

August 22 – September 21

Your ability to thwart an attempted mugging leads you to the life of the superhero, but it all ends when you get beaten up for wearing tights.

Libra

September 22 – October 22

Your sleeplessness is a sign that you keep waking yourself up with your own snoring, not that Al Qaeda is about to attack.

Scorpio

October 23 – November 20

Your pleasure at finding a $5 bill emphasizes how badly you need to start looking for work.

Sagittarius

November 21 – December 20

When your internet goes out you realize how dependent you’ve become on technology. You will vow to give up the modern distractions when the police bust you for breaking into your neighbour’s house to check your email.

Capricorn

December 21 – January 19

An offer out of the blue sparks your literary ambitions.

Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

You stop watching The Wire boxed set when you begin to suspect your grandmother is the dealer at her home.

Pisces

February 19 – March 19

The census was designed to keep track of you, specifically. Lie as much as possible and leave the country when possible.

Aries

March 20 – April 18

Shit! You totally forgot Mother’s Day.