Size Matters

Dear Madame X,

In the rest of my life I am a very successful man but I am having difficulty with my small penis. It is not just a little below average but is substantially small. I understand that this is no impediment to enjoying sex for me and my partner, but can you please give me some practical advice?

I have a lot of practice at foreplay, for my own ego I do that as long a possible, but it’s just the sex part that I find difficult. I’ve had women actually laugh at the size and others refuse to have sex with me upon seeing it. Obviously I don’t want those women in my life but there are many who I do sleep with but then never see again. Clearly I’m not great in this area. I’ve not had a long term girlfriend to practice on, someone who I am comfortable enough to ask for advice. What can I do to increase the pleasure for my partner?

The Size of the Matter

Dear Size of the Matter,

I’m sorry you have had bad sexual experiences with women who have rejected you.

From your letter you seem like a lovely, caring, and sensitive man and they obviously let the size of your penis blind them to the size of your heart (cheesy, but I do believe it).

The first thing I think you have to consider is that these women not calling you back has nothing whatsoever to do with the size of your penis. Yes, some have laughed at you like you said, but perhaps most of them were simply looking for a bit of fun and wouldn’t have called you back even if you were average sized. Like you said to me, size should be no impediment, and you should try not to blame all of your female troubles on this.

Because of this, perhaps you might want to think about saving sex with a woman until you get to know her a bit. Instead of sleeping with them and never seeing them again, cultivate a partnership before having sex. This would perhaps allow you to discuss your concerns with her beforehand and hopefully your comfort with each other and openness will allow you to have a better idea of what she likes in bed and make her less likely to be bothered by your small penis.

Not to mention the emotional intimacy that comes with this will greatly improve your chemistry and connection.

When it comes to having a good sex life I firmly believe that communication between partners is the key. You ask what you can do to increase the pleasure for your partner, but she is the only one who can tell you that. I can give you tips and tricks up the wazoo, but she’s the only one who can tell you what works for her.

Dan Savage is a sex columnist and he has a great video here talking about men with small penises. He says partners of men with smaller penises have higher levels of satisfaction because they usually try harder. He even mentions that one of his male friends wears a strap-on every now as a special treat for his wife.

Another important thing for you to know is that most women don’t orgasm from intercourse in the first place.  It’s stimulation of the clitoris that does the trick. So whether you manipulate this manually or orally I’m sure she’ll be happy. You can also use your fingers in her vagina to find the elusive g-spot and don’t forget that anal play is always an option.

If you do want to improve the intercourse part of sex, you can explore your local sex shops for books and toys to give you ideas. Dildos and vibrators are great options. You can also experiment with different sexual positions as some will make it easier for you to penetrate her more deeply than others. Read this article for some tips.

And, of course, if you want to talk to your GP or a sex therapist about this that is always an option. Let me know if you need help finding one in your area.

But in the end, I firmly believe it comes down to the connection between the couple and their ability to communicate about what they want and need to have a good sex life. I’m sure with such a caring attitude you are probably a great lover, despite having a small penis.

This column will appear every Wednesday to spice up your week.

Please email me with any and all questions about sex and relationships and I will answer them in this column.