She’s Always Faking, Scientists Reveal

Oh scientists, so much brain power and so little common sense!

A new study purports to show that those earth-shattering noises a woman makes during sex are designed to manipulate men.

That’s right, sex for women is not about pleasure, but about control. Now where have I heard that before?

A study of 71 heterosexual women showed that most orgasms occurred during foreplay, and that most sexual vocalizations occurred before and during male orgasm. Their conclusion:

These data together clearly demonstrate a dissociation of the timing of women experiencing orgasm and making copulatory vocalizations and indicate that there is at least an element of these responses that are under conscious control, providing women with an opportunity to manipulate male behavior to their advantage.

I’m guessing that the authors from the University of Central Lancashire, Brewer G and Hendrie CA., are men and/or don’t have a lot of sex.

First of all, even when women don’t orgasm from intercourse, most find that it feels damn good. So good, in fact, that they don’t care if the neighbours know about it.

Secondly, a quick, unscientific survey of women at the office indicated that for most women those noises were an instinctive thing they didn’t think about. They could consciously quell the vocalizations, if necessary, but did not have to think to produce them — rather like breathing.

Third, many women indicated that those vocalizations enhanced the sexual experience for them.

While it may be shocking to scientists that during sex women do not lose all control over their bodies, it is clear that these noises do not arise from a need to control the men, but to enjoy sex.

If women are manipulating men, I have to ask, to what end? What are these calculating creatures hoping to gain?

Annalee Newitz has a few ideas:

What advantage? To make the man have his orgasm faster? To deafen him? To make him want to buy his lady friend a giant, soundproof house where he can have sex without the neighbors hearing anything? Yeah, that must be it. It’s a giant female conspiracy to make men soundproof their homes. In fact, all the women in this study turned out to work for a soundproofing company.

My analysis of their data is not that women manipulate men through moans, but that sex for women is not just about the orgasm. It could even be that some women get off on their partner’s pleasure.

PS — Does anyone have the number of a good sound-proofing company?