There Is No Room For Feminism In The World Of Etiquette

I’ll admit it — I love etiquette.

I had the good luck to be raised by parents who knew how to butter bread, when to sip from a glass and which fork to use when.

Which is why I was shocked and saddened when I realised that good etiquette does not make any room for feminism.

After reading an article about the importance of etiquette, my head nodding away and my legs crossed gracefully at my feet, I came upon the question and answer section at the end. There were some common questions answered by the experts but the last one took me aback:

“My friend isn’t taking her husband’s name. How should I address a letter to her?”

Debrett’s says: “The ugly-sounding Ms is problematic. Although many women have assumed this bland epithet, it remains incorrect to use it when addressing a social letter.”

Posh Bird says: The answer was once straightforward. One wrote “Mrs” followed by the husband’s name – such as, Mrs John Plain. (If she divorces, she will become Mrs Jane Plain.) But many women now are like your friend. If you know this decision has been taken one ought to respect this. So drop all titles – I cannot recommend the ghastly “Ms” – and just write Jane Pretty.

The honorific most beloved by feminists, Ms, is ugly?

I thought it was a rather elegant solution to the problem of Miss and Mrs.

Back in the day those terms made a lot of sense because how someone would relate to a woman depended on her marital status. Now all women over the age of 18 are treated as adults, so all those titles add is an element of confusion.

What do you call a woman who lives with a man, who is unmarried?

What do you call a woman with children, who is unmarried?

What do you call a divorced woman?

What do you call a transsexual?

What do you call the members of a lesbian couple?

Of course just getting married doesn’t relieve the confusion. The experts in etiquette have suggested that in the scenario when a woman refuses (against all propriety) to take her husband’s name she loses her honorific entirely.

I happen to think these titles should go the way of the fish fork (no, those are no longer used in polite society), but to take them away from a subset of women is obvious discrimination. Surely the answer to a confusing etiquette question isn’t to descend into bad manners?

My husband, who made the decision against all propriety to take my name, will still remain a Mr, and letters addressed to him will still include his first and last names. This reflects the fact that he is a real adult person and can make real adult decisions.

I will stick to the “ugly-sounding” Ms, confident that one day the manners mavens will recognise that I too have legal rights and responsibilities.