Lasting Longer

Dear Madame X,

I have just started my first sexual relationship. I find that I come very quickly and sex often lasts less than a minute. This is very unsatisfying for me and my girlfriend. I really wish I could just relax and go for hours. I have tried thinking of math formulas or Barbara Bush but I just can’t help getting excited. Is there anything I can do to make sex last longer?

Finger on the Trigger

Dear Finger on the Trigger,

This is actually very normal and nothing that you need to be overly concerned about. Try not to let the media sway your view of what normal sex actually is. In reality, women do not want to be having intercourse for hours - that would just be painful!

You don’t say how old you are, but both with younger men and those new to sex, they often last a shorter time before orgasm. This is because the body of a young man is easier to get off and also recovers faster to be able to do it again (something you could take advantage of) than that of an older man.

There are a few things you could try. One thing is wearing a condom if you are not already (remember STIs!). This will reduce some of the sensitivity and increase time until you come.

A good trick is to spend less time on the actual intercourse and focus on other aspects of sex. Remember it’s not all about the penis in the vagina! There’s also the rest of the body which is very sensitive and would enjoy your attentions (both yours and hers – remember most women get off on clitoral stimulation, not intercourse itself). Taking the focus away from your penis will allow you to relax a bit more and enjoy yourself, then, when you are ready for the big finale, move back to the intercourse part.

There is also something called the stop-start technique that is similar to what I described above. It’s basically getting to the point of no return when you feel like the orgasm is coming, then stop whatever you are doing. Wait until the feeling subsides, then start again. This way you learn what that point of no return feels like and can have more control over the orgasm.

The main thing is to remember it’s not just about your penis. Allow sex to become a full body experience and you and your girlfriend will both have a great time.

And, if still unsatisfied, go and have a chat with your GP or a sex therapist and they can provide you with more help.

This column will appear every Wednesday to spice up your week.

Please email me with any and all questions about sex and relationships and I will answer them in this column.