Ozzy’s Prescription For A Virgin And Advice From Other First Timers

The Times has given Ozzy Osbourne his own medical advice column (his qualification being the ability to defy death for the last three decades).

This week a 30 year old virgin wrote in, asking whether he should start “playing the field” until that special someone comes along.

Ozzy’s advice was painfully predictable.

First of all virginity is not a disease, but Ozzy is not a doctor, so we can set that aside.

Ryan wrote in, asking:  As a 30-year-old devout Roman Catholic virgin, I am finally considering playing the field until I find that special someone in my life. Is this wise?

Ozzy replies, saying that it is bad to marry someone, only to find out on your wedding night you two aren’t compatible in bed. However, he also says “You don’t want to marry someone for lust, either, because you’ll spend more time washing the dishes with them than you will setting the world on fire between the sheets.”

This is surprisingly good advice for a burnt out rock star, but then he continues…

“So my prescription for you is to have one bonk, three times a day, for two weeks. Doctor’s orders.”

This is terrible advice, even if Ryan could choose from a flock of groupies (which I imagine is not an option for him).

If he really wants some help he should check out The Virginity Project, Kate Monro’s compilation of stories about people’s first times.

“These days we see sex everywhere, but there’s very little that’s honest about it,”  she told The Observer.

“I think ultimately what brings people to tell me their stories is that we all have an innate desire to want to compare our experiences with other people. We all just want some sort of affirmation to know that we are normal.”

And while being a 30 year old virgin is not common, there is nothing abnormal about it.