My Daughter Found My Porn Collection, Now What?

Dear Madame X,

I am a divorced man and my 12 year old daughter lives with me. She is a lovely, bright vibrant girl but she has started to worry too much about her appearance lately. This began around the time I suspect she found my online porn collection. There was nothing particularly weird there but I imagine it is a big shock to her. I was obviously very embarrassed. How can I talk to her about this? I don’t want her thinking that she needs to look like those women for men to find her pretty. Her mother is not in our lives and there is no female relative that I would feel comfortable bringing this up with. What would you suggest?

Mr Double Standard

Dear Mr Double Standard,

Raising a teenage daughter can be hard work, and doing that on your own is even harder so I salute you and your efforts.

At puberty girls grow hips, boobs, bums, thighs, hair, and start their periods. Their bodies get bigger (lots of new fat is deposited for baby-making) and change shape. It can be traumatizing for some, exciting for others, and a mixture of all kinds of emotions for most.

Although finding you porn collection might be part of the equation, it’s probably just a small part of what’s going on.

You say you don’t have any female relative you can talk to this about and her mother is not in your life. What about a school counsellor? teacher? guide leader? family friend?  You can also ask your GP for help with this.

We don’t know if she has anything particular she wants to talk about, but giving her a female outlet, someone who can understand what she is going through, would help. It’s possible that her obsession with her looks is perfectly normal and will pass as she grows older and more confident.

You also need to talk to her yourself! Yes, you might be awkward and embarrassed, but you need to ignore that and talk to her anyway. Because you are her sole guardian you need to let her know that you are available and there if she ever needs you to talk about bodies, boys, or anything else at all.

You don’t say how you know she found your porn collection so what is it that makes you think this? If this is bothering you and you want to talk with her about this, then you need to do that asap. She’s 12, so she does know about porn.

Tell her that sometimes, because you don’t have a wife, you look at pictures of naked women. This is private and personal and you are sorry she found it and you are sorry if it upset her. Tell her you will make a better effort to keep your sexual life private and she need never find it again (then go hide it better than you did before or delete it - it’s something to consider so this won’t happen again!).

Explain to her that the women in porn are actors, real women do not look or behave like that, and she need never feel that she needs to be like them.

Just do your best to keep an open and communicative relationship and support her through what can be trying years for the best of us. I’m sure you will do fine because you seem like a very caring and supportive father. Good luck.

This column will appear every Wednesday to spice up your week.

Please email me with any and all questions about sex and relationships and I will answer them in this column.