How Feminists Are Just Like Zombies — And What You Can Do To Save Yourself

Gosh women are scary! Ask Men tackles the obstacles men face trying to communicate with them — but I have to wonder whether they a have angry feminists confused with zombies.

Don’t claim to also be a feminist / zombie.

• Don’t ever try to empathize with angry feminists by claiming that you are also a feminist. These women think that by simply being a man you are part of the oppressive male-dominated system that is keeping women down.

A common ruse in horror films is for the heroes to pretend to be zombies by groaning “Must eat brains.” This usually works for a few moments until they are surrounded by the living dead, and then the gruesome attack begins.

Do not attempt to have sex with them.

• Consider this your official warning that any mention of sex between a man and a woman… is likely to be twisted into a rape-inciting hate comment by an angry feminist… Better to go find yourself one of those women who wishes to cement her submission to the big, bad patriarchy by allowing you to give her satisfying orgasms.

Sex with zombies always ends in death or dismemberment. However, when you find a women in a world taken over by zombies, sex is practically compulsory.

Don’t make any sudden movements.

• Sometimes, the best way to deal with an angry feminist is to put your hands in the air and back away slowly.

Like any predators, zombies respond to sudden movements. Moving slowly and cautiously is the best way to sneak past them unscathed.

They have no brains.

• Angry feminists can be infuriating in their stubbornness and complete disregard for any sense of logic or reason… Stay calm and remember that common sense is on your side.

When a friend turns into a zombie, people often spend value minutes pleading with them to remember who they were in their past life. “Eddie, don’t you remember me?” This never works. Reason and logic are lost on creatures with no brains.

So their advice for dealing with zombies is great, but for feminists?

I recommend striking up a conversation. Unlike zombies they won’t bite — unless you ask.

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