In Praise Of Teenage Sex

Teenagers have been having sloppy, enthusiastic sex since before “teen” was a term. Parents used to marry off their children once they hit that randy age, but now we try to keep them cloistered and chaste. It hasn’t been working so well.

The Netherlands has a different approach to sex. There boys and girls are allowed to have sleep-overs under their parent’s roof and it is considered a normal part of growing up. In terms of public health it’s been working well — their numbers of unwanted teen pregnancies are an 8th of those in the United States.

Sex, Love, and Autonomy in the Teenage Sleepover is a study that looks in depth at this phenomenon.

• Dutch parents, by contrast, downplay the dangerous and difficult sides of teenage sexuality, tending to normalize it. They speak of readiness (er aan toe zijn), a process of becoming physically and emotionally ready for sex that they believe young people can self-regulate, provided they’ve been encouraged to pace themselves and prepare adequately. Rather than emphasizing gender battles, Dutch parents talk about sexuality as emerging from relationships and are strikingly silent about gender conflicts.

The study found that teenagers were less likely to engage in sex outside of monogamous relationships and more likely to use protection.

Tracy Clark-Flory, over at Broadsheet, had teenager sleepovers with her boyfriend. It allowed her to approach sex in a more mature way than her peers.

• Instead of sneaking out of the house to have sex in the backseat of a car, I was engaging in playful exploration in my childhood bedroom with my first love — and my parents were right across the hall the whole time. I had no sense that sex was a naughty or shameful act; it was a fun and meaningful activity to which I felt fully entitled.

It’s normal for parents to feel discomfort at the idea that their children are sexual beings. But perhaps along with sleepless nights with a new-born and helping out on last minute homework assignments, dealing with a bit of discomfort to help your child mature is part of being a good parent.

After all, you know you’ll want grand-kids… eventually.