Is It Okay To Change My Mind About Staying A Virgin Until Marriage?

Dear Madame X,

I am the type of girl who does not believe in pre-marital sex. The main reason is that in my culture and my religion we believe in saving ourselves for our husbands. I love that idea, and I want only one man to take that away from me. However, I have had two past serious long term relationships and I never thought about losing my virginity to them because I always felt they were not right. I am in my third relationship now and he is a gem of a man who understands. He will not even let things get out of hand so we don’t get in a situation where he will get carried away and will want to do it. Even though I still strongly believe in no pre-marital sex, I have been thinking about losing it to him but I am still very hesitant because it hasn’t been that long. I feel he is right but I am scared. What if I loose my virginity and my parents find out because I look different? Does a woman’s look change after she looses her virginity? Is it obvious that she isn’t a virgin anymore?

Fear of Getting Caught

Dear Fear of Getting Caught,

The first thing I want to say is that no one takes away your virginity from you. Losing your virginity is a behaviour, not an object so you can’t give it away. It is something you should do for yourself, and yourself alone.

You say you are thinking about losing your virginity to your current boyfriend, but that you are “hesitant because it hasn’t been that long.” I would caution that feeling this way probably means you should wait a bit longer before you make that decision. You will have all the time in the world to have sex once you start, so there is no need to rush things now.

You don’t say what other behaviours you do with your boyfriend, only that he doesn’t let things get carried away. I would suggest that if you are thinking of sex, but aren’t sure, that maybe experimenting by pushing your boundaries a bit further (but not all the way) would be a good way to see how you feel about it. Do this for a while (several months, weeks, whatever works best for you), and if you are happy with the progression and want to eventually take it all the way then go for it. You will be doing so knowing that you have worked your way there slowly and with confidence and comfort.

I also think the idea that people get carried away, although it can happen, probably wouldn’t be an issue for someone like you who seems very sure of what you want and don’t want to do. If you are fooling around and get to a point where you are not comfortable, stop what you’re doing and move back a step. There’s no rule that says once you pass a certain line you have to keep going, and even once you have sex you always have the control to say how far you go in each situation.

In terms of looking different, that’s not an issue. Nobody has to know if you have sex unless you tell them. It really is nobody’s business but yours and your boyfriend’s.

Please keep in mind if and when you decide to have sex you will need to prevent transmission of sexually transmitted infections (STIs) and unwanted pregnancy. Using a condom is the best way to do this. If you are thinking of having a sexually monogamous relationship, then there are other forms of birth control you can use. You can talk to planned parenthood or family planning associations about your options, but please don’t stop using condoms until your partner has been tested for STIs.

So, overall, I would say just do what you are comfortable with, slowly work your way up to full sex (if you want), and take as much time as you need to make that decision — there is absolutely no rush and you don’t want to do something you might regret.

Madame X is a master of sex. She is adamantly pro-sex which she translates to pro-fun and pro-safety. An avid practitioner of the activity, she has also been trained in the technical dos and don’ts. No mere agony aunt, she knows of what she speaks. Send her your questions, comments, and concerns about sex and relationships here.