How Do I Talk To My 13-Year-Old About Porn?

Dear Madame X,

I walked in on my 13 year old son looking at an inappropriate website yesterday. I know it’s normal that he explores these things but there is a lot of scary and violent stuff online, and I don’t want him to confuse that with normal sexual relations. How do I explain that porn is fantasy (often male fantasy) and that real sex is entirely different? He’s a teenager so he already views everything I say with suspicion.

Fretting Mom

Dear Fretting Mom,

You’re right, it is perfectly normal and with kids learning how to use the internet in pre-school these days chances are he’s come across this stuff before.

The best way to talk to kids about sex is to not make it a big deal, do it continually throughout their life as issues arise, and be open to discussion.

First of all, he needs to know that it’s normal and natural for him to be interested in sex and that you don’t have a problem with that. Puberty is when kids start thinking about this stuff and it’s important he doesn’t feel like a freak and that he does feel like he can talk to you.

Make sure you ask him what he thinks about everything you’re talking about. It’s important he doesn’t feel like you are just lecturing him and can feel like you are having a discussion and that you care about his opinion.

Have an honest discussion with him and let him know what your concerns are just as you let me know. Tell him that people in porn are actors and porn is made up, fantasy, not realistic, just like other fantasy and sci-fi movies are. Tell him that there are people with odd fetishes and there can be an abundance of violence and rape online. But you should also realize that most people don’t look at the weird fetish/rape/violent porn — usually it’s just average sex.

It’s important he knows that in real life both sexual partners need to be respected. Tell him that sexual relations need to be consensual and that it’s more fun that way because the people can relax and enjoy their time together. Tell him that when he’s ready for dating it’s important he respects his partner’s boundaries and they respect his — it is a two way street after all.

Another good thing is to give him websites to look at that are appropriate and he can learn from. Make use of the fact that he’s already online to show him how he can learn about sex in a healthy way. Most of these sites also have sections for parents and educators, so you can use them to help yourself as well as to help him.

Sex etc., sex education by teens, for teens (US-based).

Scarleteen, sex ed for the real world (US-based).

I wanna know, information on sexual health for for teens and young adults (US-based).

Brook, free and confidential sexual health advice and services specifically for young people under 25 (UK-based).

TalkSafe, something for us, by us (UK-based).

It might be awkward, but you just need to work through your embarrassment because having this talk is important and it will set the scene for any further discussions you will have. Planned Parenthood has a good section on how to talk to your kids about sex here.

No matter what you do, if you are open and honest and allow your son to express his feelings then you are on the right track.

Madame X is a master of sex. She is adamantly pro-sex which she translates to pro-fun and pro-safety. An avid practitioner of the activity, she has also been trained in the technical dos and don’ts. No mere agony aunt, she knows of what she speaks. Send her your questions, comments, and concerns about sex and relationships here.