Concerning The Lindsay Lohan Case

To the Hon. Keith L. Schwartz
c/o Los Angeles County Superior Court
Re: Lindsay Lohan

Dear Judge Schwartz,

With all due respect, do you really think you’re treating Ms. Lohan like “Jane Doe or John Doe”? Or that that’s even possible?

Let’s say John Doe walked into your courtroom today, on felony grand theft charges. He’s a 24-year-old who, in the past four years, has been:

– Arrested for DUI, at which time cops find cocaine in his possession;
– Arrested again for DUI and driving on a suspended license, just 10 days after leaving rehab for the first offense, at which time officers again find cocaine in his possession;
– Accused of stealing an $11,000 coat from a party in New York, but not charged;
– Accused of stealing $400,000 worth of jewelry, but not charged;
– Shown partying hard in France while missing a court-ordered hearing;
– Sent to jail after his SCRAM device went off, only to be released in 14 days;
– Caught failing another drug test, less than a month after leaving his rehab facility;
– Caught on tape walking out of a jewelry store with a $2,400 necklace.

If that person walked into your courtroom, I have severe doubts that the first thought on your mind would be his “outside stressors” and whether or not he was in therapy. If you had a book handy on your bench, you’d probably throw it at him.

The fact is, the worst possible way to reach Lindsay Lohan, The Person — the thing you’re trying to save — is by making it a public spectacle for Lindsay Lohan, The Empire. All the great powers given to you by Los Angeles and the State of California will not win against the combined forces of TMZ, E! News and The Insider. (Entertainment shows were much more interested in what she was wearing to court than why she was there — and they pay her much more than you do.)

Nor will making it a test of wills between you and her people, like you seemed to do yesterday, have the effect you think it will have. Judge Revel learned that last year, when she had to recuse herself from Lindsay’s case: there are too many people doing too much background work on you for you to win that fight unscathed.

As you probably also know, a niche industry has sprung up that profits on making you and the California justice system look as hopelessly incompetent and improper as possible. Every person in Palookaville, Kentucky who reads the oversimplified summary of the latest bend-over-backward celebrity hearings is another potential referral client for a ludicrous number of celebrity blogs and news organizations.

I wouldn’t remotely presume to tell you what you should do next. I understand that, just by virtue of the publicity, this is a very difficult case to solve neatly. But I would ask you, please, to keep your head down, ignore the roadblocks being thrown in your way and really sentence her like she is Jane Doe. Because only a serious sentence, away from spotlights and exclusive interviews and celebrity rehab facilities, will get through to whatever’s left of the real Lindsay.

Sincerely,
The Other Man

Contact the editors here: editors@morningquickie.com