There Is No Booty In This Bible, And Very Few Virgins

While some people believe the Bible is the word of God, we all agree that the translations are not. The next edition of the New American Bible will be making some changes — and removing some words all together.

“Booty” has been changed to “spoils of war,” effectively conjuring up ill-gotten gold as opposed to a bevy of bootilicious beauties. “Cereal” is now “grain,” to avoid mistaking it with Cheerios. Interestingly “holocaust” becomes “burnt offerings,” because the original Biblical meaning has been over shadowed by horrific events in WWII.

But my favourite change is replacing “virgin” with “young woman.”

Back in the day it was assumed that no one had sex before marriage. “Virgin” meant young and unmarried, and was used for any woman in the state. It is the historical word for “hottie,” as opposed to “MILF.”

As teens today have sneaky sex in cars, no doubt unmarried girls in Biblical times also engaged in their own illicit trysts. Yet when we read older texts, we read “virgin” with a modern eye, and think of promise rings or Sandra Dee.

This means the most girls with any sort of literary bent end up reading book after book about beautiful virgins, with the implication that sex will make them sullied, ugly, unwanted. Whether a woman has had sex is suddenly part of her initial description, when all the authors meant to say is that she was young and unmarried. In fact, in some cases it was probably understood that the “virgin” farmer’s daughter was no stranger to the hayloft.

Of course, some “virgins” will stay virgins. Diana the Huntress was one in both senses of the word, as was the Goddess Athena.

And although she will be referred to as the “young woman” Mary, her status as the Virgin Mother remains intact.

Contact the author here: mick@morningquickie.com