Little White Lies Aren’t So Little

Dear Madame X,

I told a couple of little white lies to my girlfriend to avoid some fights and now she thinks I can’t be trusted. Specifically, I didn’t tell her about going to a strip joint, or about chatting with a female friend on Facebook who happens to be my ex. I have never cheated on her and never would. Now she says she needs a lie detector test to know whether I can be trusted. I refused. I’m a good guy and she knows it. But she said this is the only way I can prove myself. So, where can I get a lie detector test?

In the Hot Seat
PS — How do they work?

Dear In the Hot Seat,

You certainly are in the hot seat here. The thing about lies, even small ones, is that you are still lying! Big, small, or medium, a lie is a lie. And if you’re lying about the small things (you think they are small) then what else could you possibly be lying about?

Now here’s the thing: these weren’t actually “little white lies” as you have called them. They are big honking lies.

Even if you know you would never cheat, exes and strip clubs are a big deal. If you are hiding things then your girlfriend will start to think there’s a reason you’re hiding things (like you’re up to no good). But if you are open and honest then you will have a far better relationship with your girlfriend.

She needs to know if you are still friends with your exes. She needs to know when you go to strip clubs. It might not be a big deal to you, but it is to her. And even if she disagrees with it and disagrees with your behaviour, that’s what being an adult in a relationship is all about. You’re not going to agree on everything, but she needs to accept that this is who you are and deal with it. And you also need to respect who she is and the fact that she doesn’t like this behaviour. Maybe you could think about a compromise of some kind that you are both comfortable with.

I don’t know if a lie detector test is the best way to solve this. I’d be much happier if you guys looked into couples counselling. The counsellor could help you learn to communicate better with each other and help you be more comfortable dealing with behaviour that you don’t both agree with. They could help you manage the “fights” that you are so desperate to avoid.

Honesty is very important in successful relationships, and I hope you can understand that and give your girlfriend the respect she deserves by stopping the lying.

Madame X is a master of sex. She is adamantly pro-sex which she translates to pro-fun and pro-safety. An avid practitioner of the activity, she has also been trained in the technical dos and don’ts. No mere agony aunt, she knows of what she speaks. Send her your questions, comments, and concerns about sex and relationships here.