How To Avoid The Royal Wedding

It hasn’t even happened and it’s too much for you to bear. And it’s WAY worse than those Valentine’s Day blues that make you want to stay in bed all day eating junk food and spiking your coffee with Baileys to turn your blues into delirium.

I’ll say it just this once…it’s the royal wedding.

Millions around the world are tuning in to see all of the preliminaries (mainly discussion of what’s going to happen before it happens), the parade (a dull sea of traditional British uniforms), the actual ceremony (conservative and drawn out), and then the afterthoughts of the whole thing (where the whole bloody subject will be beaten to death).

As much as we all love to love love, the whole affair has already been talked about, imagined, analyzed, scrutinized and criticized, and so I don’t think I’m way out in left field here saying that some of us are sick of it. We’re on the verge of a royal purge (i.e. vomit).

But how do we escape it? News stations around the world have sent their reporters there to cover it, the event will be heavily canvassed on the Internet, and for those of you who still listen to the radio, you’ll also be bombarded with the latest details. Breaking news! The coverage may begin at 3 a.m. in Canada, but the mania is sure to last all day so you need to have a plan of attack.

It may seem like finding a needle in a haystack, but there are still some distractions out there that don’t involve costly world travel. My top five choices are diverse to reflect a diversity of tastes and interests:

1) Whenever I’m in doubt about anything, I go back to books. It sounds nerdy, but books are a source of comfort when you’re down, food for thought when you need inspiration and, in this case, they’re the top distraction. Books are safe. You don’t have to worry about pop-ups (“Order your royal wedding condoms now!”) You can get lost in a fantasy world and don’t look up until the madness is over. I suggest either picking a long and engrossing book to make sure you’re occupied for a long time or pick a great series that’s fun, absorbing and easy to read. In the case of the former, there’s no better time to start King’s The Stand. It’s one of those epic apocalyptic novels that you’ll never forget. Who doesn’t like a good battle between good and evil? If you’re thinking the latter, go for a good YA series that has elements of science fiction or fantasy. Pullman’s trilogy His Dark Materials is a good pick as well as Collins’ Hunger Games series. Looking for a feminist fix? Go back to the classics that you get something new out of every time. I’m talking novels like Emma, Jane Eyre and Wuthering Heights.

2) If you’re just not into books, why not scope out the sports scene (even if you’re not the biggest sports fan). With the hockey and basketball playoffs underway, along with the regular season in baseball, you’ll be able to keep yourself occupied getting up-to-date. I just checked the ESPN website and (phew) nothing about the…well, you know. There was no way there could be, but I was still worried there for a second. The level of safety seems equal to books. Just don’t look up anything on polo or any sport relating to horses.

3) Okay, so you hate books and you hate sports. I don’t know anyone out there that hates music (maybe some genres but not all), so my neutral suggestion at number 3 is to just jam all day. If you have to work, you have to work (and I’ll come to that later), but any time in between where you have to be in public or in an elevator listening to gossip about the event, put your earbuds in tight and rock ‘n’ roll.

4) If you’re off and don’t feel like staying in the house and hiding for the day, hit up a good art gallery or museum. Being around all those relics of history will be like putting yourself in a time machine. You’re guaranteed to forget what day it is for at least two hours while you contemplate life and art in the quietness that a museum offers. If you still want to kill time on the town, you could always explore some unexplored territory. Go to a neighbourhood that you never go to (assuming you have some to choose from). While seeing your local sights, don’t go to a pizza place because you might take a bite of Kate’s eye or something.

5) Let’s say your whole group of friends wants to boycott the event. Then you could simply have a friendly gathering of good food, conversation, music and lots of fun games. A good Euchre challenge is one of my all-time favourites. Scrabble is also great because in between joking around and people checking the dictionary to see if it’s really a word, a few hours will pass before you know it. It’ll also be extra challenging because you won’t be able to use certain words related to a certain celebration. There’s no greater method of distraction than mind-bending activities. Video games are a must in this scenario as well. They’re like entering an alternate reality. When you return, you’ll have jet lag and feel like passing out until it’s Saturday.

For the people who don’t get to celebrate the day as if it were a holiday, you already know you have to work. I’ve heard that many offices are finding ways to incorporate the big event somehow at work. So be aware. If it’s a possibility to work from home I would jump all over that option. If not, every time you hear a commotion, get up and take a coffee break. You’ll drink so much that you’ll be in the bathroom all day and will miss most of the office games.

I think we have all our bases covered. The royal wedding-phobes can relax now. It’ll just be another TGIF.

Contact the author here: tinybart@morningquickie.com