Telling Lesbian Girlfriend I Have HIV From Rape

Dear Madame X,

I have met my soul-mate and I’m afraid that I’m about to lose her. We have been dating for three months and have generally been more romantic than physical. She has told me that she’d like to become a little more intimate, and that she senses I am hesitant about this. I have HIV. I’m taking all of my medications properly and my doctors all say that they expect me to live a long time — as much as can be expected, I am in good health.

Early on she asked if I had ever had sex with a man and I said no. It’s not uncommon for lesbians to experiment with boys in high school or college but I always knew that it wasn’t for me. What I did not tell her, but wish I had, is that I was raped by a man who infected me with HIV. I don’t consider that sex, but I have to tell her so that she knows what she’s getting into. How can I tell her without looking like a liar? The Disease is a big enough thing to deal with without also having to deal with issues of sincerity.

Please help me find the words.

Liar by Omission

Dear Liar,

First of all, you need to stop thinking of yourself as a liar. Secondly, I want to say I’m sorry that you were raped and that it led to a lifelong illness. That must have been very difficult to deal with and I can see that it still hurts you.

You need to know that you are not alone and there is definitely help available for you. My first recommendation is that you contact either your HIV doctor or a health trainer or adviser at an HIV charity. They have tons of experience with helping people disclose their HIV status to partners and can probably share some pearls of wisdom with you.

I also think it’s important that you know that the chance of you passing HIV on to your girlfriend is very close to zero and probably will never happen.

In order for her to be at risk she would need to get a significant quantity of blood, anal mucus or vaginal fluid inside of her own body. The only possibility might be if she gives you oral sex, however, transmission is still not very likely that way. There have only ever been a small handful of cases of transmission happening like this and it’s even more unlikely if you take your meds and keep your viral load at an undetectable level. You can read more about the risks of transmission here and here. If she is worried about it you two can always use dental dams and make an appointment with your HIV doctor to discuss her concerns.

What this means is that in terms of knowing “what she’s getting into” her own health is not a risk. And you say you are in good health and there’s absolutely no reason you won’t live to a ripe old age if you continue to follow doctor’s orders. The main thing to deal with is the emotional impact that this will have on your lives.

Unfortunately, we can’t predict how she might react. She may be angry and upset that you kept this from her. But give her some time and space to adjust to the information and ask you questions. Hopefully, because she is not at risk of infection herself, she will be able to learn to deal with this.

And hopefully she will understand why you didn’t tell her in the first place. Disclosure is a very difficult thing for both parties and it can take time to feel comfortable enough to share this. The main thing to remember is that you haven’t put her at any risk.

Remember that no matter what happens you are not alone and that counselling is always an option to help you out. Good luck.

Madame X is a master of sex. She is adamantly pro-sex which she translates to pro-fun and pro-safety. An avid practitioner of the activity, she has also been trained in the technical dos and don’ts. No mere agony aunt, she knows of what she speaks. Send her your questions, comments, and concerns about sex and relationships here.