Will A Threesome Hurt Our Relationship?

Dear Madame X,

I’m happier than I’ve ever been. I have a lover I see whenever I want and a career that fulfills me. Everything is going along perfectly but it doesn’t feel like enough.

I refuse to cheat, but lately the idea has developed some appeal. I want to bring another man into the bedroom, specifically a younger man, and I want my lover to see me being penetrated.

However, I’m worried this will disrupt the delicate balance of our relationship. We’ve been dating for seven years and our dynamic has reached this wonderful plateau. Neither of us want more from the other than the other is willing to give. We’re emotionally available but not dependent.

Will this likely affect the emotional tone of our relationship?

Lady In Red

Dear Lady In Red,

I’m not entirely clear on the nature of your relationship because the way you describe it is confusing. You call this man your “lover” who you see when you feel like having sex, yet you say you “refuse to cheat.”

The first part makes it sound like there is no real commitment to being monogamous, but, I suppose, for the sake of argument, I have to assume that you and your lover have discussed this and have agreed to not date anyone else. (Please, if this is wrong, have that conversation with him! There’s a chance he has been seeing other women this whole time).

One way to bring this up, if you are unsure, is to either mention it like a joke, talk about a “friend” of yours who had a threesome, or mention a dream you had. Then wait and see how he reacts.

Many people are open to the idea of a threesome, but the only way to know is to ask. If you have known this man for seven years and you have as good a relationship as you say, then you should feel comfortable talking about your fantasies. You may be a bit awkward, but it sounds like a caring relationship so he should, at least, be willing to listen to you.

As for the “emotional tone” of your relationship, I guess that all depends how you go about it, what his personal boundaries are, and how he reacts. But we can never predict what someone’s reaction will be, so do your best to be open, honest, and respectful, while letting him know your desire for another man doesn’t diminish your feelings for him, and that’s really all you can do.

If he does agree to this, remember that a lot of times the fantasy of a threesome is more exciting than the reality, so keep an open mind and a sense of humour. And remember to be careful about practicing safer sex and using condoms.

But if he doesn’t agree to it, then you need to decide what your priority is: your relationship with him or your desire to play out this fantasy. Is this something you absolutely must experience, regardless of how he feels? Or are you willing to let it go if he’s not into it?

It’s important to remember that letting someone else into the bedroom can be a huge violation of boundaries for a lot of people, so you need to tread carefully. And, if you decide that this is what you really want but he doesn’t, then there are lots of people in open, non-monogamous, and polyamorous relationships that you can meet who will happily let you join them in bed.

Madame X is a master of sex. She is adamantly pro-sex which she translates to pro-fun and pro-safety. An avid practitioner of the activity, she has also been trained in the technical dos and don’ts. No mere agony aunt, she knows of what she speaks. Send her your questions, comments, and concerns about sex and relationships here.