On Douchebags

Some men are amoebas on fleas on rats, as Frenchie told us in Grease. But if you don’t have the time, or the linguistic fortitude, to follow in her descriptive footsteps, what do you call the bad guys? When you think about it, there are not a lot of great options out there.

As a heterosexual woman, I’m quite fond of dicks, pricks and cocks, so using them as an insult is completely counter-intuitive. Likewise, I’m certainly not going to sully my glorious cunt by associating it with someone I can’t stand. I’m fairly neutral about asses and assholes but I figure we all have ‘em so there is no need to slam ‘em.

“Bastard” and “son of a bitch” actually insult his mother, who frankly should not be dragged into this. The same goes for the stomach-churning “mother-fucker.”

I’m guessing “cock-sucker” originated as a homophobic slur, but as most of us have indulged in this culinary delight, it seems odd to bandy it about as an insult.

So what does that leave? The glorious douche.

As any sexually savvy woman can tell you, douches are bad news. They present themselves as vagina-saviours, promising to make everything come up smelling likes roses, but they actually make things even worse. It is only when we lose our faith in our own womanhood that we even consider going near them, and afterwards we’re furious with ourselves because we knew they were bad news.

Sound like anyone you know?

That’s right. Your ex, El Douche.

Contact the author here: mick@morningquickie.com