Is Egg Donation Worth The Trouble?

Dear Madame X,

A nice couple is willing to pay me $10,000 to harvest my eggs and I’ve accepted. Now comes the hard part (no, not the medical stuff) — telling people.

My boyfriend was horrified — even though he never wants kids. He doesn’t like the idea but can’t give me a good reason why. He just thinks it is creepy and he doesn’t think it’s a good idea for a kid of mine to wander around without me knowing about it.

(I think I have great DNA. All kids should be so lucky).

My mother (and silent father) can’t shake the notion that this means that I won’t have kids of my own one day. She’s convinced that it’ll make me infertile and that I’m being taken advantage of. But then again, she also doesn’t understand why I don’t (marry and) have children with my kid-hating boyfriend.

I’ve told them it’s my choice. I’ve given them pamphlets but frankly, it’s beginning to get to me. If all the people in my life are so worried about it — maybe I should be too?

I was all excited about it and I don’t know if it’s the hormones talking but I’m having a bit of a wobble now. Can you please remind me that they’re the crazy ones and that this can be an ok choice?

An Eggsellent Idea?

Dear Eggsellent,

Egg donation is a very controversial thing. It’s an incredibly invasive procedure, as I’m sure you know, and people often have strong opinions about it.

I can’t claim to be an expert on the subject, but what I can tell you is that if you are having doubts then I recommend you put it on hold. If you aren’t confident in your decision then you shouldn’t be doing it.

You need to do a lot of research before you give away your eggs and not simply rely on what the egg donation company tells you. Look at medical journals, talk to objective doctors, find women who have done it and ask what their experience was like, and I would also recommend counselling to help you make the decision.

It’s possible that there could be long term problems if it goes wrong (yes, your mother is right about infertility being a possibility) and you need to decide what you think about the risks and if they are worth it. Don’t let the money cloud your judgement — would you do this if you weren’t being paid so much? I’m not saying not to do it, it might be the right choice for you, just be absolutely sure you want to be doing it before it’s too late to change your mind.

If you are confident that you don’t want any children of your own but your parents want grandkids (as most do) then I can understand their concern. Part of it is probably jealousy and mourning the loss of your child that they will never meet. That egg has their genes in it after all and whoever raises that child will be raising their grandchild. But in the end it’s your choice, not theirs, and they will have to respect that, even if they don’t agree with it. If you are confident in your choice and can explain it to them then hopefully they will eventually come to understand why you are doing it even if they don’t want you to.

As for your boyfriend, again, it’s possibly the jealousy issue again or he really does think it’s creepy, and there is nothing wrong with him feeling that way. But again, in the end it’s your choice not his, so hopefully he will be able to understand this.

Genetics and children always invoke strong opinions, and I can’t tell you what to do, but you really need to be sure this is the right thing because once your eggs are out there you will have no control over them and will have children that you (likely, unless the laws change, which they could) will never see. If you have any doubts then you shouldn’t be doing this.

Madame X is a master of sex. She is adamantly pro-sex which she translates to pro-fun and pro-safety. An avid practitioner of the activity, she has also been trained in the technical dos and don’ts. No mere agony aunt, she knows of what she speaks. Send her your questions, comments, and concerns about sex and relationships here.