Which Men To Avoid (Hallowe’en Costume Version)

It’s getting round to that evening in the year when Mrs Lobster and I dim the lights, turn the TV volume down, and slouch below window level on the couch as the neighbourhood’s youngsters trawl the streets on Hallowe’en.

Fortunately for us, this year we happen to be going away on holiday a few days before the dreaded event, so we will miss tucking into the bowls of fun-size confectionary we’ve laid on, ignoring the little dears as they ring our bell “trick-or-treating.”

However, we mustn’t forget that Hallowe’en can be very much a time for adults too. After all, who doesn’t like an excuse to dress up, especially where there’s a party involved? It’s enjoyable, liberating and, of course, could, in some cases, lead to some sort of sexual gratification. So this week, I thought I’d share with you a guide to five common types of outfit chosen by men for Hallowe’en parties, with a little explanation of what they mean.

Traditional

You can’t beat a well-done Dracula. Of course, it’s quite hard to pull off, and you can end up looking like an anaemic magician, but a good, traditional Hallowe’en outfit says “You’ll like me; I appreciate the classics, I look good in a nice white shirt, and I am resourceful enough to lay my hands on a silk-lined cape” – unless, that is, he obviously rented the whole thing, in which case he might lack imagination. Generally a good sort; take him home to meet your mother (unless, of course, he’s a real vampire).

Superhero

This is similar to the Traditional choice, but more boring. Men dressed as Superman put themselves at something of a disadvantage, given how boring the man himself is (not to mention Clark Kent). This outfit can be salvaged by comic touches, such as overstuffed muscles or silly over-bouffed hair, but otherwise says “Watch out – I’m even duller than that rented-outfit vampire you dodged on the way in.” Unimaginative. Approach with caution.

Look-at-Me!

Of course, all Hallowe’en outfits, by definition, draw attention to the person in them. However, some do it more than others, and some of these can betray a certain desperation in the wearer. While the disco-bound Travolta from Saturday Night Fever is among the worst of these, a special circle in hell is reserved for men in Elvis outfits. They’re always in the Aloha-From-Hawaii jumpsuit and crappy metal sunglasses, they always strike stupid karate-style poses, and they’re always, always deeply, deeply tedious. Unfounded narcissists. Avoid.

Woman

Possibly even worse than Elvis impersonators are men who dress up for Hallowe’en as women. They always act as if it’s the first time anyone has ever done it, and as if it’s the funniest thing anyone has ever done in the world, ever. It’s also a bit of a conversation killer, as the perpetrator clearly expects everyone to fall about laughing and be incapable of any sort of discussion other than that relating to their outfit. Being in drag also seems to make these men act in the most disturbingly aggressively sluttish way imaginable, flashing their stockings and bra-filler, pouting and climbing all over other men. I don’t know whether it’s a reflection of their own warped understanding of how women are, or just an unconscious expression of how they’d really like to be. Whatever it is, it’s pretty off-putting. Suppressed or psychotic – either way, you lose. Another for the body-swerve.

This Year’s Popular Choice

There’s always a costume of the moment, something, to use that loathsome term, of the zeitgeist. From Harry Potter to Jack Sparrow to Borat in a mankini. Most recently, it’s been Don Draper. This is harder to pull off – you have to have the right suit, hat, haircut and chain-smoke and drink broodingly the whole evening. Even if you do get it right, you’ll take years off your life and you won’t remember a thing about the party. Get it wrong and you’ll just look like someone who’s come from their (faintly spivvy) office and couldn’t be bothered to change. Either way, the men who do attempt this have to be quite vain to try. And remember, Draper was a rat – all tricks and no treats. On the plus side, he’ll buy you Mint Juleps till you pass out.

All in all, fancy dress parties can bring out the worst in men. However, with this guide on the ones to avoid, you’ll also know the ones you can mix with without ruining your evening. So get your black beehive out of the spin-dryer, biro on some tattoos and get out there.

Contact the author here: thewhy@morningquickie.com