Will He Leave If I Don’t Play The Dominatrix?

Dear Madame X,

My boyfriend really likes handcuffs, whips and the whole deal. He thinks I’m sexy in leather. He keeps asking me to be rougher in bed, which I don’t really like. He asked me several times to try dying my hair red and even bought me some dye from a pharmacy!

I always knew he liked redheads, he loves Jessica from True Blood, but the other day I found a whole stash of dominatrix porn and they were all redheads. Is he trying to turn me into one of his fantasies?

How can I learn to be a dominatrix? It’s not really part of my personality but I’m worried that if I don’t fulfill his needs he’ll find someone else who will.

Better Dead Than Red

Dear Better Dead Than Red,

The first thing I want to say is that if you’re not comfortable having rough sex or dominating him and you’re uncomfortable acting out these fantasies, then you shouldn’t do it.

If this is the kind of guy who will leave you because of that then you really are better off without him. Seriously.

I find it odd that he actually went as far as buying you hair dye. Maybe pushy and insensitive as well. There seems to be a lot of speculation. You found porn, he didn’t tell you about it and he didn’t ask you to be a dominatrix.

The only way to know exactly what he wants is to ask him, instead of guessing and him hinting. Then, once you know what he wants, you can decide whether or not you are comfortable with it.

One thing to keep in mind is that you can always wear a wig and play a role for an hour, but that doesn’t mean he wants to change who you are. He likes you for you, not for the role you play one night.

It might be fun to play at being vampires for one night, but if you’re not comfortable with it that is okay. You don’t need to enjoy the same fantasy as him to have a good relationship.

But you definitely need to make sure he knows how you feel and stops subtly pushing you towards something you don’t want.

Madame X is a master of sex. She is adamantly pro-sex which she translates to pro-fun and pro-safety. An avid practitioner of the activity, she has also been trained in the technical dos and don’ts. No mere agony aunt, she knows of what she speaks. Send her your questions, comments, and concerns about sex and relationships here.