Pornographic Parsnips
December 8, 2011 No Comments
Safeway is a minefield.
Just today I was innocently wandering through the produce section when my eye caught a heap of stiff, attentive bananas. Suddenly, my mind was adrift in a sea of vitamin-rich smut.
I moved on quickly, but unfortunately, the flesh is weak. The carrots immediately led me astray with their well-defined shafts, followed by the smooth, generously proportioned daikon radishes. I tried to steady myself by focusing on the more wholesome cauliflower, but it was no use.
Soon I was rubbing myself surreptitiously against the cucumbers while licking my lips and staring suggestively at the terrified young man stacking organic zucchini. As I slowly unbuttoned my winter coat and leant into the basket of corn on the cob, I was fortunately interrupted by the shop security, who were concerned for my moral well-being.
Navigating the pornographic parsnips and leery legumes requires a steely nerve. That’s why a Europe-based Islamic cleric has apparently urged women to stay clear of phallic food.
The cleric, whose keen eye for things that look like cocks indicates his attentiveness to the needs of the women of his faith, suggests that the sight of a cucumber will arouse the ladies. Wanting the ladies to maintain a diet rich in thiamine and riboflavin while maintaining mental purity, the phallus-aware cleric suggests that a male family member chop up the offending sweet potato or eggplant before presenting it to the fairer sex.
If you’re looking for a reason to get your boyfriend to cook dinner more often, this might be it.
Contact the author here: miriam@morningquickie.com
