This Christmas, Celebrate Mrs. Claus Style

Santa gets all the credit. He hears what people want for Christmas and personally delivers it, but I bet Mrs. Claus is the brains behind the whole operation.

This year it’s time for Mrs. Claus to share in some of the glory. While Santa is off doing his thing and eating all the cookies he can fit into his jolly belly, his wife is at home relaxing, coming up with the five feminist Christmas commandments. Here they are:

1) Thou shalt strive for equality.

For instance, Mrs. Claus wants to close the wage gap. She really should get paid as much as Santa for the whole Christmas business. Gender shouldn’t be a factor when it comes to compensation. Merit is first and foremost and women have proven their capabilities. They’re astronauts, judges, artists, surgeons, politicians and hackers (shoot, maybe that’s just the girl with the dragon tattoo I’m thinking of).

Anyway, share the wealth, Santa (even if he does get paid in smiles).

2) Thou shalt continue to protest domestic violence, mistreatment and subjugation of women.

Enough said.

3) Thou shalt love your body and forget about designer vaginas because they’re never on the gift list.

Sometimes it’s hard to love our bodies. We get acne, cellulite, stretch marks and other bodily ailments. On bad days, smashing the mirror seems more reasonable than repeating “Love the skin you’re in.” And despite feeling like shit when you see women looking perfect on glossy magazine covers after trying on bathing suits under really bright lights, you must remember you’re sexy in your own right. There’s no such thing as flawless and we’re not glued to a specific ideal of beauty.

And frankly, the whole idea of designer vaginas freaks me out. Plus, Christmas is not a good occasion to think about taking a scalpel to your most precious and private place.

4) Thou shalt lobby for stronger female characters in the media.

There are a lot of talented women in television, but they don’t exactly jump off the screen. It seems that men are still taking the reins when it comes to toughness and complexity.

In The Walking Dead, for example, macho men have a better chance of surviving the zombie apocalypse, it seems. Daryl, Shane and Rick are all cool characters, but why are they always running the show while the women are washing clothes? Andrea has a strong will and she can shoot. As far as leadership goes, though, she seems stuck in a power struggle.

But maybe I’m just too nostalgic for shows like Road to Avonlea, Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman and Xena: Warrior Princess.

5) Thou shalt keep pumping out the jams.

This year, women have rocked the music scene. Ms. Magazine‘s top 10 list gives us some examples, but there are many more to choose from. Adele and Florence Welch have such amazing voices I don’t think anyone really cares what they look like (although they’re both beautiful). Still, music should be about sound over image, and these women make sweet, sweet music for us to listen to. I want more and I suppose Mrs. Claus does too. Mariah Carey’s “Merry Christmas” album is good and all, but we need to diversify.

Wait. I can’t help but notice that one commandment may be missing:

* Thou shalt buy women electronics and other miscellaneous gadgets.

No matter what gifts.com leads us to believe, some women like playing with gadgets just as much as men.

I just want to thank Mrs. Claus for giving us all a much-needed break from the usual Christmas experience of trying to beat the crowds but really getting beaten up, giving but mostly getting, sipping spiked eggnog, eating and eating some more. There’s so much more to Christmas than great presents (though who doesn’t appreciate a few of those).

So in between cocktails and sugar cookies, we should take Mrs. Claus’ Christmas wish list under serious advisement.

Contact the author here: tinybart@morningquickie.com