What (Not) To Buy For Your Man This Christmas

This week, with my customary flair for timing, I thought it might be useful to say something (as ill-informed and generalized as usual) about Christmas presents for men.

Not about what might be welcomed by me — I broadcast that list to the relevant people several months ago and am expecting great things. No, I thought I might talk about some of the recommendations regarding “Presents For Him” that you see around at this time of year — the sort of list that turns up in Sunday newspaper magazines touting “the ultimate in silk boxer-short luxury” or “the hilarious revolving-bowtie novelty no serious joker should be without” or whatever has landed on the Features desk that morning. Anyway, here goes.

Gadgets

First and foremost, these lists always contain lots of gadgets. Remote-control helicopters, massively overpriced leatherette pouches for massively overpriced tablet computers, helmet cameras for self-obsessed tossers to film and upload their “extreme” sports for their equally shallow friends to comment on. Well, men aren’t all juvenile solipsists, and this sort of thing leaves a lot of us fairly cold. Not recommended.

Headphones

A special mention this year must go to the fashion for headphones. Again, we’re not all consumed by vanity to such an extent that we have to declare “how important music is to us” by having a pair of headphones specifically chosen to go with our impossibly gittish slouch beanies, leather wrist-thongs and slack-necked t-shirts. The idea of wearing headphones for anything other than listening to music indoors at home is anathema to many of us. Are you trying to be insulting?

Lads’ mags

Nothing says “I believe you to be a self-abuser of Olympian capability” like a gift subscription to Esquire or FHM. Getting this from a wife or partner is pretty much equivalent to a card saying “Please bother me less for sex next year.” Yeah, thanks a lot.

Grooming products

Yes, yes, men take soooo much better care of their skin/hair/nostrils these days. But not all of us like to be reminded of just how far we’ve strayed from the Man Standard of our mammoth-hunting forefathers. Nobody wants dandruff or shaving cuts, but neither do we want to be associated with the Beckham levels of narcissism implied by a full set of unctions in a natty buckskin washbag. To be avoided.

Sweaters

Christmas sweaters — an old cliché, and no less untrue for it. Of course, there are some shocking bits of woolenwear handed out in the name of the Baby Jesus, but there are many more nice pullovers, cardigans and tank-tops around for the man in your life this time of year. I like sweaters — classic and subtle ones aren’t boring, everyone needs them, and they don’t go wrong on Boxing Day or leave you frustrated when you forget to buy batteries for the remote.

So there we are. Don’t be conned by moronic and sheep-like fashion for frippery. Get him a sturdy cable-knit polo-neck or a fine merino sweater vest. He’ll look better, feel warmer and love you all the more for it. And he won’t ignore you the whole day trying to land his toy aircraft on the top of the fridge, or smell like a tart’s handbag. Thanks very much – just what I wanted.

Contact the author here: thewhy@morningquickie.com