Men Like Peeing Outside

Men like peeing outside. That’s a fact. Of course, they are well equipped to do so, with a handy nozzle attachment for pointing accurately, without any need to sit down, and so on. But considering how rarely there is any need for men to pee outside, they do it a lot. I did it myself last night — I was in the kitchen, and I could easily have gone upstairs to the bathroom. And I’m not so lazy that I would just have used the garden out of convenience — I just felt like doing it outside. And I don’t think I’m alone amongst men in having such a compulsion occasionally.

So why do we do it, we garden sprinklers? Is it because we want to mark our territories? Given that we don’t have the sense of smell that dogs, for example, do, I doubt it’s about that. Unless you’ve been eating asparagus by the bushel, washed down with a penicillin shake, neither you nor anyone else is likely to be able to tell you’ve just watered the grass, pretty much from as soon as you’ve finished.

Is it, then, because we like to commune with nature, adding our little bit to the organic process while we blast away at the rhododendrons? Well, yes, it is nice to enjoy the evening smells and sounds, especially in summer — but I, for one, find it just as nice to pee somewhere in the city (though not, of course, anywhere that would cause others inconvenience, or that would get me arrested — it’s not for the thrill or danger either).

Then is it because we want to leave a little of ourselves behind for posterity? Admittedly, it’s nice to write your name in the snow, or even on blank urban concrete, but I can’t remember ever going back to see my handiwork, or regretting the short-lived nature of this sort of instant art. No, I don’t think there’s any attempt to beat mortality in washing down an alley wall or hosing down a tree.

I think men pee outdoors because they can. It’s the neatness of it, the slip-rip-and-zip of a quick slash, without any need for plumbing or apparatus, that we really appreciate. Caught short on a hike? No problem. Walk home from the last train after the bar? Don’t sweat it. And I think it’s that convenience, that easy, speedy relief from discomfort and worry, that we like to indulge in, even when we don’t need to — just because we can. I would almost go as far as to say it’s part of being male, and peeing in the garden is a little celebration of that status, one we can have any time we like. I don’t want to make it more than it is (and of course very often it is just convenient and nothing more) but I have to say I like the neatness of being able to step outside and offload my last beer. And it keeps the weeds down too, but you have to aim it right.

Contact the author here: thewhy@morningquickie.com