How To Meet Men

Dear Madame X,

I am 24 and still get really nervous when men talk to me. I run away from perfectly nice guys who hit on me in bars. What is wrong with me? Can I overcome this, or am I doomed to be alone?

Lonely Lady

Dear Lonely,

You are definitely not doomed to be alone! I’ve gotta say, bars really are not the best place to meet people unless you are looking to get laid and that’s clearly not what you are trying to do.

Bars are meat markets. Most people go there to hook up and that can be incredibly intimidating if you are shy and nervous. I can see why you would put up a block and avoid contact with them — you know what they want and you don’t want to give it up. There is nothing at all wrong with not enjoying bars! They only suit certain personalities and obviously that’s not you.

When you go to bars just hang out with your friends and forget about the other people there. If someone does talk to you then you can make small talk about the weather or the band that’s playing, but then get back to focusing on enjoying your friends.

If you are looking to meet men and possibly date, you need to do it outside the nightclub scene. Yes, some true love stories happen in clubs, but you’re a million times more likely to meet someone when you are relaxed, enjoying some activity, and just being yourself without trying too hard to act or behave a certain way.

What are your hobbies or interests? Where do you like to hang out on the weekends? Join a cooking club, a hiking club, some kind of sport — anything you enjoy will do.

I know it’s a cliche, and it’s hard to be alone when you want to have a partner, but I swear this is true.

Just enjoy yourself, hang out with your friends and you may end up falling for a friend’s friend, a friend’s brother, or that guy in your cooking class. You are still young (yes, you are!) and learning about these things and I’m sure you will figure it out and find someone amazing not too long from now.  Most couples meet through mutual friends, classes, or shared activities — not seedy bars — and I’m sure you will too.

Madame X is a master of sex. She is adamantly pro-sex which she translates to pro-fun and pro-safety. An avid practitioner of the activity, she has also been trained in the technical dos and don’ts. No mere agony aunt, she knows of what she speaks. Send her your questions, comments, and concerns about sex and relationships here.