Giant Sandwiches And The War On Women

Sandwiches. Gender conspiracy. War on women.

Let me explain.

It was a sunny afternoon here in southern Germany. I’d escaped from the office to the organic bakery across the street, and found an outdoor table where I could read my book and drink the peppermint tea I’ve taken to drinking instead of coffee, to avoid twitching/scratching imaginary itches/hearing voices all afternoon. But first, I realized, I would have to use all my motor skills to sort out my goddamn sandwich.

Huge bits of tomato and mozzarella in a phallic baguette sounds great. It looked great in the bakery, but once it was before me I had problems. First of all, the tomato squished out and fell into my boobs. Then the balsamic vinegar dribbled all over my chin. And amongst all that fuss, the sandwich wouldn’t fit in my mouth, even when I stretched my jaw like a snake trying to devour a cow.

Meanwhile, I noticed that two QUITE attractive men from work had snaffled the table next to me, and were stuffing giant sandwiches into their huge male mouths with the greatest of ease, while having a conversation somehow.

I, on the other hand, had been transformed into lunchtime porn. Struggling to fellate a massive baguette, wiping balsamic vinegar suggestively off my chin and groping my own breasts in an attempt to retrieve the tomato. And all the while, trying to look as though it was just the sort of lunch I’d wanted all my life.

Down with the patriarchy!

Contact the author here: miriam@morningquickie.com