Who Knew There Was Hipster Porn?

I should preface this by saying I didn’t know what the hell a hipster was until 2010, and even then I needed an American friend to explain it to me with pictures and stuff. “That’s just a person wearing clothes and doing things,” is what I said.

Wrong. Actual subculture, much maligned yet better than most alternatives. And here I thought music everyone pretends to like, Topshop jeans that slide down your ass while on a bicycle so old no one would ever steal it, rummaging around grubby record shops on Sunday mornings and old shit from our childhoods (which were in the 60s, 70s and 80s, otherwise they are neither retro nor interesting) were just The Way We Live Now.

Except we don’t anymore. I guess. We’re entering a post-hipster world, people, and here is early evidence of how our post-hipster narrative will develop. The hilarious website Bon Iver Erotic Stories, a meme based on the singer from the group Bon Iver. You know, the terribly sensitive and old-world-aware artists whose music you hear at the beginning of all middle-class-but-still-cool dinner parties until someone loses it and puts on a bit of Zeppelin. Bon Iver is the grit in your organic beetroot.

Actually they’re not so bad, but you do have to be experiencing a higher plane of self-awareness not witnessed by anyone with a sarcastic mouth to appreciate the talent of Bon Iver.

Bon Iver porn, not unlike Ryan Gosling porn, involves a photo of lead singer Justin with text underneath that reads like post-hipster Harlequin Romance. For example:

“Today at the flea market, Bon Iver found a box of old hats.  He bought them all.  ‘I couldn’t decide which one felt most like home,’ he said.”

It gets a bit steamier than that, for those of you who still like sex amidst your stuff-found-in-the-road appreciation.

“As we lay naked before the fireplace, I asked Bon Iver about his idea of earthly happiness. ‘To live in contact with those I love, with the beauties of nature, with a quantity of flannel and climbing trees, and to have, within easy distance, a pond rich with trout.’”

Bon Iver also thinks about the bigger picture.

“Bon Iver wanted to show me that it is okay to cry when you are sad. He squeezed his eyes shut and his face was marked by sorrow. Moments later, his eyes were wet. He shuddered. ‘Bon Iver,’ I said, and placed a hand on his bare chest to calm him, ‘what made you so suddenly sad?’

He choked and wiped his eyes. ‘Deforestation,’ he whispered.”

I must confess, I’m still not sure hipsters exist. Everyone I know buys old bicycles so they don’t end up on Ebay. It isn’t fashion, it’s an anti-theft device. Much like the too-small Cookie Monster t-shirts are not so much an ironic statement as something to wear to the pub when you haven’t done the laundry for two weeks and want to remember a time before you had a work wardrobe to iron and a married lover who cries during sex. Nevermind it makes your boobs look like dead eels in a bag.

Contact the author here: miriam@morningquickie.com