The Patriarchal Overlords And Your Shoes

Airport security. Bloody nuisance. Also a conspiracy designed to subjugate women. Allow me to elaborate.

Despite flying quite a lot, I’ve never been the focus of airport security attention, even though I always forget to take my lighter, tweezers or (on a recent flight) 250g jar of jam out of my handbag before entering the Endless Queue of Boredom and Repetitive Questions.

Lately I notice it isn’t the usual victims of racial profiling (male, sort of vaguely middle eastern-ish) who are holding up the proceedings. Oh no. It’s women. Like, for example, me. And it isn’t my plastic lighter/pointy metal object/breakfast condiment that’s setting off the irritating beeping device. It’s my goddamn shoes.

The people in sneakers and even hiking boots wander breezily through (except on high-security days when everyone has to put their shoes in the plastic box). Winter boots, wooden clogs, Crocs. No problem, apparently. But high heels set off alarm bells. Literally.

First the lady (usually a lady) in the high heels is waved to the side. She’s instructed to put her high-heeled foot on a plastic stool which appears to be there for this very purpose. Then the other foot. The security person waves the beeping wand over the shoe. It beeps. Then there’s a sort of dance routine where the shoe-wearer has to turn around, stand on one leg and coquettishly lift the other leg in the air while glancing over her shoulder. Then the other leg.

High heels (except the cheap ones) are often reinforced with metal for arch support. This explains the metal detector situation. Which is clearly a conspiracy between shoe makers and airport security hierarchy who, like at least three of my ex-boyfriends, are preoccupied with women’s shoes.

Down with the patriarchy.

Contact the author here: miriam@morningquickie.com