How Many Lovers Is Too Many?

Dear Madame X,

I have just started seeing this girl. She seems great, but she recently told me she had slept with over 30 guys. I find this gross and am really put off her. What should I do?

Grossed Out

Dear Grossed Out,

Everyone has a different threshold for which they are grossed out by “too much” sex. I can’t tell you how much is too much because only you can know what makes you comfortable.

But I think the most important thing is not the number, but the moral code. Do you agree with what she’s done in principle (i.e. if it was one of your guy friends or a woman you were not dating what would you think?)? Is her attitude to sex completely different from yours (i.e. is it just that she’s been single for longer than you and you’ve been in more monogamous long-term relationships? If so your number would equal hers with time just as a matter of fact)?

Keep in mind this is your relationship with her not the relationships she has had that have already ended. They are the past, you are the present.

If this is just a little bit “gross”, but essentially you like her and tend to have the same life goals, moral code, values, etc., then I think the number is probably something you will get over in time.

If you two decide to enter a relationship and be together then that’s all that matters. She may have had sex with more people than you are comfortable with, but she’s with you now and the only thing that matters is how you two feel about each other.

Give yourself some time with this and see how things develop for you two outside of the sexual part of the relationship. If you really care for her then you will forget about the number and love her for who she is, but if this something you really can’t get over then, of course, it’s your prerogative to stop seeing her.

Madame X is a master of sex. She is adamantly pro-sex which she translates to pro-fun and pro-safety. An avid practitioner of the activity, she has also been trained in the technical dos and don’ts. No mere agony aunt, she knows of what she speaks. Send her your questions, comments, and concerns about sex and relationships here.